Just as the title says:
Being the eldest child has certainly put many expectations on myself. Not to mention being the ‘test child’. I do not wish to blame or point fingers at anyone, especially at my parents. I will however say that I felt I had some very high standards and goals I had to ‘meet’. I went to a school where emphasis was on math and science, so being the only artistic child in my family, it was much more of a struggle. And all through my childhood I saw signs of those around me trying to make me the ‘perfect’ child. Doll like with neat hair, dressing properly each day, and excelling in my studies.
2.) I’m the bad guy
Sort of a hypocrite with this one, but going along side of the first one, I have this unhealthy habit and urge to make sure everyone likes me. I mean, yes its common curtsey to be nice and polite to everyone, but I really mean if we work, live, or first meeting, I really want you to like me. HYPOCRITE YOU SEE AS I SET EXPECTATIONS ON MYSELF. If I upset you, I want to work with you and try to fix it because if not I will stress about it and not stop apologizing for what I’ve done. Even if I haven’t done anything. I will start to just blame myself because I have failed to be a good person and I am no longer the image of a ‘doll’ in someone’s eyes. And Thus I am a hypocrite again that leads me to my final fear.
At the end of the day, if I have failed in any sort of way, I will never forgive myself. It will scar my mindset and the reflection of how I see myself in any (to almost all) aspects of myself as a person. Failing to live up to the expectations, to be lovable and accepted, to live my life as a walking failure of a person. Disappointing those around me is never forgivable in my eyes, they may forgive me, but I shall forever live with the memory of letting them down. Giving me support, trust, time, effort and energy only to be let down because of my actions and decisions is why I am forever frozen unless someone gives me direction; I am so cautious of their feelings and acceptance that I can’t move without their say so. I hinder myself to make them happy just so they don’t see me as the failure that I see myself as…