Day 3: Parents

I assume this is about my current relationship and I shall go with that. As of right now I can say that I have a relationship that could need some work and more so from my end. Of course we’ve all been at that age where our parents ‘don’t understand us’ and yes I’ve been there. I remember as far back as first going to visit a therapist and my mother almost crying because of how distant she felt from my brother and I.

Even in that safe space I couldn’t bring myself to tell me mother how I really felt. Its been that way for far too long. Even now, as I try and force myself to speak my mind, I can’t get comfortable enough to tell them my feelings. It doesn’t bring me much comfort knowing that I am not the only one who can’t seem to do this. The idea of feeling so…embarrassed to even say “I love you” or even look them in the eye. Its not shyness, its fear. AND FOR NO REASON! Its like some god damn pride issue of not wanting to show emotions or love because you could be flustered (or weak, Have I really let society influence my mindset that much)??? Like What in the god damn hell kind of reason is that?? Its very upsetting and how I can’t do these simple things or say the words they want to hear.

After all they’ve done for me, shouldn’t you think I could do them the curtesy? Sure my parents were a little hard on me to push me and may have been a little stern, but they just want the best for me and so far I feel like I’ve let them both down. My parents have put me through three years of college already, keep supporting my work and my efforts, do their best to listen and understand when I need someone; they keep helping me to my feet and yet I find myself always falling almost immediately.

My mother is a strong and very independent who I admire so much; call it arrogance or determination, but its highly admirable in my eyes. My father, friendly and intelligent, he can become friends with anyone and a great team leader. His level of social skills has been something I really wish I could have inherited besides just looking like him.

I can’t recall my father trying to bond with me and he’d be so open and end with the most sincere reminder that he and my mother both love me no matter what. I’d become so flustered, embarrassed and uncomfortable that I’d just nod and say “yea I know” like some ungrateful kid. He’d show me so much praise, affection (pats on the head, hugs, thumbs up and other dorky dad gestures) and just willing to listen…and I’d treat his kindness and generosity (both his and my mother) like it was nothing more than words. And that makes my relationship with my parents in dire need of work, all on my end.

This may sound like a pathetic attempt at seeking pity and/or attention, but I am not. I am fully just seeking peace with these words.
I’m not sure if my parents will read this or if I will have the courage to even share this on my other social media, but if they happen to…

“Hi Mom and Dad. I’m sure you both have figured me out, given you two have known me the longest. I can’t hide anything from you and for some reason that is a little reassuring. It means I’m not as closed off as I feel, but I am really sorry. I just lash out with emotions and flood you guys with my rants in a way to I guess, be open with my emotions? If that makes sense…regardless. I love you two so very much and I really hope I can fix this communication problem as soon as I possibly can because you deserve that and so much more from me.”

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