Day 6: Hardest Experience (so far)

Get ready for a really classic experience, granted most change is difficult for me to accept, this one in particular was a mix of feelings.

I’m sure I am not the only one who was a hard time coming clean with his/her/their/etc sexuality. Its quite a scary topic at first, especially given all the opinions and views on it, both negative and positive and as I’m sure we all have learned, its easier to focus on the negative rather than the positive.

My earliest memories of learning that something is different was from Middle School where I found myself never really interested for any girls. I had many friends who were female, but I never felt any crush like feelings for any of them (even though, they all were quite beautiful).   On Halloween on year, I went to one of my friend’s house for a party and there she showed me some rather explicit Yaoi (Japanese comic book with the focus of the manga is about the relationship between two male characters). Of course being how young, it was different and ‘not natural’ so I freaked out and ask her to immediately put it away. Laughing as she did, but I couldn’t help, but look at it a few more seconds before she put it away. I wanted to look away and yet I was rather taken by the idea that two men could share a relationship.

Flash forward about a year or two, I’m in a book store and (being the comic junkie that I still am) found myself in that exact section. Pulling the few I wanted to buy and then just taking my time to leisure and find maybe a few other titles to look into. Being only able to see the spines of these books, I was drawn to several that had quite interesting names that sparked my interest. However upon investigating, it turned the tables and the titles were for more yaoi and other stories of fantasy where the relationship between the two male protagonists were important plot points. I was stunned and surprised; I would have thought some of these would be wrapped in plastic or at least covered so no one of the younger age group would find them.

I couldn’t put it down.
I kept flipping through the pages, seeing its images
Watching the interaction become intimate and reaching a certain point
Boy was it moving quickly…
And of course being my age growing up

Lets just say Puberty was a bitch.

I threw the book back on the shelf and quickly left to find my mother to ask to leave. What else could I do? I never felt my body do that before, it was rather embarrassing.

The time during High School was even more of a struggle and a pain. Typical High School jocks and older kids poking fun and pointing out facts that they couldn’t even be bothered to fact check. Just to make fun and put other people down. My life from then turned into a very dramatic sitcom as I had so much happening and going on.

I was struggling to lose my weight as I was around 200lbs
My voice was still rather high pitched
Close friends and others were going through extreme struggles
Needed to pass all my IB classes
And to ‘Find Myself’

All while just trying to get to graduation so I could go onto college.
This sitcom I called High School had about 4 seasons, honestly it felt like Degrassi but without all the sex, drugs and violence…or at least in my social circle that is.

Freshman: Pansexual
Sophomore: Bi
Junior: Fully in the closet, complete denial
Senior: Acceptance (at the end of the year)

It was quite the ‘adventure’ espeically when it came my body and mind suddenly began developing the urge for a relationship. I wanted to date and the constant questions and mixed feelings of ‘is this wrong?’ and ‘what will happen if I get found out’

I confided in my best friend because they claimed to have

“Known since we met”

. . .haha best friend if you are reading this, sorry not sorry… Love you though. Haha!

It did catch me by surprise by how supportive my social circle was. Granted I’m sure we all had trouble even opening up to our own friends about this kind of thing, but I will say I am very blessed to have them still by my side even after all High School.

Coming out to those who I didn’t see regularly was a much different story…particularly to girls who were interested in my. To this idea, I was nearly shocked at the thought that there were people who liked me in such a way. And in my attempt to not hurt their feelings, I ended up doing just that. I accidentally led one of them on for nearly a year and it was the worst things I have ever done when she found out. In that instant, I had the sudden feeling of regret, guilt and hatred for who I was.

The mentality I still have wanting everyone to like me and to never hurt anyone, is a double edge sword. I hurt her, but thankfully (with someone or something looking over us) we worked it out. Explaining my fears and apologies only after hearing her emotions and answering her questions. Its a moment in my life that I will keep with me forever because I never want to make that mistake again to hurt anyone.

But with that memory, it really changed who I was. It made me want to work on being more honest and just being true to myself and to others. My fears of being turned away and hated for who I am, still haunt me. With time I did start opening up to others including my family. During the summer of 2015, after 2 boyfriends (and was currently on my 3rd)  my parents confronted me and I had to let them know that its true. They weren’t afraid or angry, but they had a feeling and just needed closure. From there they had me sit down and write an email to my grandparents explaining how this is who I am, basically a coming out letter because they were asking my parents questions about it. About two days later, I received a phone call from them and it was one of the most relieving moments of my life because it was one of those movie moments where they said no matter what they would love and accept me. They wished me happiness and love and for me to be safe.

To this day, nothing has changed between us and I couldn’t be happier.

~
On the downside, given (once again, I can’t believe I am going into this when I say all the time I’m not going to) today’s politics and government has made it very discouraging and almost makes me feel…inhuman. Like an abomination.

Its such a strain on my mental state of being and its just so baffling to me how someone would put religious views over someone else’s own life. I get it that religion has made a huge impact on so many people and how dedicated they are to said religion, but not if it spreads hate, false judgement and mistreatment. You have a right to express and follow said religion, but forcing it upon others isn’t right.

As I’m sure we all can see, its a huge mess that I keep hoping will get resolved one day.

 

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