Day 18: Most Difficult To Forgive

There have been a lot of hardships that I have encountered in my life, some worse than others, but I can say (at the very least) they could have been even worse. I’ve seen fights, deception, manipulation, and lies between friends, family and loved ones. While not all were directed at me, it still was not a fun experience to witness; the stress I put myself under to try and fix everything was so painful and excruciating. Now I know this sounds like I am going towards a ‘pity party’ vibe, I’m putting this out here because its my answer to this question, but also I think very relatable.

The most difficult thing I had to forgive, and to this day I have yet to forgive, are from my own actions.

Throwing myself into situations where I thought I could help when (in most cases) I couldn’t do much. I would want to say things and stand up for people, I filled up my schedule to get them out of toxic environments, to constantly check up on them, I’d cook, house and try to be a second mother. The strain I put myself through just to help only negatively effected me. Most times the only thing I could do was to be a should to lean on and an open ear. I can never forgive myself for not being able to help everyone every time and because I still have that mindset and strive, I still find it hard to forgive myself because I keep asking myself

“What else could I have done?”

I know I am not the only one who thinks this.

Again, we are all only human, unfortunately.

I can’t forgive myself for not being able to help (all of the time), for the stupid things I’ve done as a child, for doing poorly I did in some academic areas, for being silent and for not being the ‘perfect’ human being when I know deep down and constantly remind myself that it is I M P O S S I B L E.

It is not physically possible to be perfect
Our flaws make us who we are
We shouldn’t change for anyone else
Our own happiness and joy should be the first priority

And because of this, I don’t know if I will ever be able to forgive myself without feeling like I’ve let everyone including myself down.

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