Describe your relationship/dynamic between you and your family (Previous and Currently)
In the past my parents were very strict. I had a bed time until High School (7:30pm) and very high expectations. I am the eldest and it wasn’t easy; they wanted the best for me, but in doing so they set high standards. Its not that I couldn’t meet those standards, but because I was put through a childhood like that, it messed me up. I didn’t meet all those standards; spoiler warning. Staying up long nights struggling to do basic math, spelling, science and history even in Elementary school. There was so much pressure on me and whenever they tried to reassure me that all I needed to do was my best, it always seemed to come back around to I wasn’t trying or wasn’t trying hard enough.
Now, according to my parents, my brother and I were very close. As I remember, we got along to a certain extent. Whenever I celebrated my birthday, my brother had to as well; I had a cake, he had a cake and that lasted for about 2 or 3 years? He was raised with a more relaxed set of guidelines and was better at most (if not all) areas I lacked in. He was taller, stronger and bigger; he could get away with so much more.
Currently, my parents are concerned about me. I mean they always have been, but I feel it’s more hidden. I’m 21 and they want me to know that I can be independent and be self sufficient, but I can still sense their hesitation; my mother has me as 16 in her eyes. They both know and have experienced how much of an anxious, worrying, overthinking mess that I’ve become. I fear absolute failure and letting everyone around me who has helped support me and held my hand through most of my life. Because of this overbearing childhood, I’m now afraid to do anything/be my own person because of the judgement I face. It still ends up going back to doing my best to prove that I am taking the initiative, keeping an organized schedule, and not push them away. It is a huge juggling act. But it has, for any worth, gotten a little better between us.
My brother and I have very limited connections; each doing our own thing and staying the way out of each other’s ways. Other than the more than consistent ‘jokes’ he tells about me. I get told to lighten up, but they are hurtful; how can someone just get away with putting someone down, being lazy and cussing at/in front of their own parents??
If there is one bright side to all of this, I would be upset if something happened to him.