The Terms of Return

As the person who runs this blog, without any intention other than to just post whatever the hell I feel like, does anyone else feel like there is no organization?

Oh.
Oh there are others? Cool!

Cause thats just it; I say I want to continue to post and be productive while expanding my skills and sharing I guess my life with an unknown audience…yet I only return with the same content.

I vent.
I’m angry.
Stress is too much.
I can’t stop thinking.
Anxiety.
Rage.
Wrath.
Tears.
Tired of being quiet.

In between the occasional somewhat interesting posts are, majority, me just whining. Is this a creative blog? Is this a safe place? Or just a place for me to scream into the void???

I generally am not trying to sound angry, but I’m so lost and confused that I get angry because I feel angry? I get sad when I’m angry. I get stressed when I’m angry. I resort back to an infant who doesn’t know any better, but god damn, does it feel good to just let out.

Is this just a place to voice what I can’t regularly?
I run this blog.. . . . I’m sorry “Blog”
which means I have power. So is it because I have power, that I feel allowed to run this as I see fit?

Because I’m literally yelling these letters, violently, against a speechless white screen who just stays there and takes my abuse. God if I feel power by screaming and beating something that can’t rebel, then I am a monster. Breaking the screen and my keyboard just because I don’t feel ok…

 

I am cruel.
.
.
.
.
.
I am so sorry.
I am so sorry to everyone who chooses to read these.

This was suppose to be a post questioning my actions, yet here I am continuing to be a whining brat.

.
.
.
OH YIPPIE!
Victim Card Time! FML

I can’t win.
I’m sorry.
I fully accept responsibility for my words.

Am I mad?
Am I too well in touch/aware of myself?

Stay tuned as I have no idea what my next post will be.

Advertisements

Day 3: What Kind of Person Attracts You

This question, I can’t really think of a way to answer without being repetitive (mostly because I think I answered it already)

The kind of people who attract me are those who generally just share similar interests, show respect, open mindedness and generally are nice & understanding.

Oh Little Plastic Card

I never imagined that a little plastic card that I keep in my wallet would cause me so much anxiety.

Given to me for college, used for books, supplies, food and fun. Yet if I can’t justify swiping or inserting the chip, my life soon becomes a crumbling mess. Every time I pull it out, I suddenly feel like I’m a bad person; do you remember those cliche and overly rich characters on TV?

“Oh my parents will pay for me.”

“I’ll just ask my family for more money.”

“Its ok, I’m good for it.”

~

It absolutely upsets and disappoints me when I use it on something that I don’t need. If I’m out all day and need to eat, ok….as long as its under $20. If its supplies, necessities, anything; if the total price is over $20 I will just forget it.
Granted I know that money is generally always going to be circulating, and yet my mind is still stuck in this very toxic mindset.
When I sit down to think “logically” and “rationally” about these kinds of troubles, I end up at square one because I generally feel like a bad person.

My parents have done so much for me in terms of support, advice and education, but I (and my parents know about this) personally feel like a frivolous spender. If I spend something on myself and they ask me what I did today, I include that purchase and will spend the next 5 or 10 minutes explaining why I purchased it, what I intend to use it for, and ANY opinions/advice I received from others when making my decision.

I’ve never been confronted or had been sit down to discuss about my spending habits by anyone. Not my parents. Not my boyfriend. Not my friends. No one has said I have a problem spending or with money. I’ve been told I’m mature and responsible.

BUT AM I THOUGH?

Just physically pulling out my checkbook to record my receipts makes me so sick because I’m spending money that I don’t have and isn’t really mine. My family has worked so hard for that money, yet I’m out in the real world spending away. Food? ok. Clothing? If I really am in need (again, but with that $20 rule). Art Supplies. Thats a stretch since I have so much already.

Fun? N O P E.

I don’t need to go to the movies. I don’t need to go out to eat. I don’t need anything, yet I’m treated and bought gifts. I don’t deserve it; the amount of anxiety I get when someone buys or pays for me almost makes me want to cry because I don’t deserve it.

 

Today, Nov. 15, I purchased a singular item for a cosplay. Cosplay has been determined to not be a big part of my life anymore; over winter break I’m going through and selling most of my old cosplay stuff (probably not going to get that much back, but its better if its going to be used and not collect MORE dust).
YET I STILL BOUGHT DOUBLE MY 20 RULE. I don’t know when I’ll wear this specific cosplay again? The idea of cosplaying this character I was not expecting to want to cosplay, yet the urge surprised me once I finished reading the story.

This whole dilemma stems from my damn need for validation.
I go to school for visual arts and the stupid idea of “Starving Artist” is forever grained into my head.

I don’t want to be a burden; I want to be responsible.
I want to be dependable.
No freeloading. No laziness.
I need to work hard to earn my livelihood and eventually my own peace (?)

 

Day 2: 2 Year Change

How have you changed in 2 years?
~

I have been asked this question a number of times and have given a few different responses; as this question is so broad I think I’m going to narrow it down.

How have I changed from Freshman year of college to now Senior year?

Personally I feel I have made several astounding changes besides the obvious new glasses, same wardrobe and now am 5’6″. Been more active at the gym in lifting weights instead of just cardio as I used to be and from that, people around me have seen some improvements. I’m not sure why I call it improvements when they should be achievements. My boyfriend certainly has been one hell of a cheerleader; oh yeah I’m no longer single. Been that way for 7 months and wow that was a change.

My art has definitely been through a huge change as things tend to do the more you practice and devote your time to. Not so much angular and sharp line work, as more rounded with curves that just appeal to me so much more. I’ve made progress and have gained some new skills, granted I’m sure I’m going to constantly be evolving and fine tuning my craft.

I can’t tell if most if not all of it is physical because I haven’t seen a whole lot: I’ve just been more aware of the feelings of change.

Change has definitely been on my mind the past couple of months. I’ve become more aware of my body, my mental health and the battle pitting my heart and brain. Being aware is extremely helpful, but is a double edge sword. More and more while I’m accepting my body has changed through my diet, physical activity and exposure I’ve been putting myself through. While its good that I am continuing to slowly accepting who I am and how I look, I’m still drawn back to my constant need for reassurance and approval from others.

The pressure I put on myself to be almost a fake person to just be accepted. It is different in a sense because the ‘fake’ persona I put on is much different when I’m meeting new people because in that sense I’m trying to be a people pleaser….well I’m assuming that they are different because that just kind of goes back into wanting to be accepted by new people….?

Regardless, I’m still very much aware that I have changed, but like most people, I have a long way to go.

 

 

 

Heres to another meltdown (rant)

Nothing like working on your homework for not even an hour to only eventually come down on yourself like a pound of bricks. I’m writing in rage. I’m writing in tears (none physical).

I’m writing with hatred toward myself.
My stomach is killing me, My calendar is staring at my in front of my god damn fycking face mocking me. I have less than a week and a half until winter break. The stress is so much more severe than I’ve ever felt it and I don’t know if I can handle it.

There isn’t much editing going on as I just need to type.

This feeling of overheating as my body undergoes this stress is so much more frustrating. I know what I want to do. I know what I want to produce with my work but IT JUST WON’T FYCKING HAPPEN

YES I AM AWARE I NEED TO TAKE MORE INITIATIVE
STOP TELLING ME “YOU WILL LEARN!”

I AM GRADUATING IN JUNE
THE REAL WORLD IS ALREADY TOO MUCH

GREAT, NOW DO I JUST FYCKING QUIT???

I don’t want to quit. I just want to fycking like, love and appreciate what I used to. I can no longer see all the damn progress I’ve made. All that I can see if rage and frustration at myself.

As my computer started to overheat as did I.
I have Chrome, Skype, Discord AND Photoshop running.

I was blessed that he was watching over, but I had to bite my tongue and had to go. Hearing the sadness and worrisome in his voice made me feel guilty. I felt disgusting. I felt terrible. Irresponsible.
I am over-reacting. BUT I WANT TO LASH OUT! I JUST WANT TO SCREAM AND MAKE EVERYONE HEAR

Now my eyebrow and temple are twitching.

Some pens fell out of my backpack.
The three pens I use for my lecture class

Black, Red and Blue.

My bag was so flimsy that it wouldn’t help, but flop over.

 

 

I threw them in rage.

 

 

Hearing my boyfriend sniffle made me unable to look at him in the eyes.
I didn’t want to talk to him.
I didn’t want him to see me.
Don’t make me stare at you when all I see is red.

My pens are still fycking scattered.

 

I apologized to my boyfriend. My professor still deserves an apology.

 

I should apologize to those pens as well before bed.