Visual Journal – 1mpre55i0nable

I myself am someone who has been perceived as impressionable, gullible, naïve and too trusting.

Speak one sentence, a phrase or a fact and I will second guess myself. I never know what is the true truth (though do any of us?)

However I know that this is who I am
This trait is part of my genetic makeup
A part of my identity and the idea of the ‘self’

My personality is mine
Mine Alone and runs through my veins
Pumping directly from my overused and exhausted heart.
I feel it seep through my skin
Building itself up with every drop
Exposing its soft tissued shell into my palm
Taking in the air and oxygen directly as it continues to fuel me and my body

Shocking it may be
but it demands comfort
As we both wander in the scary world beyond the rose colored glass.

I will cradle it forever in my arms
Letting the saturated red stain my finger tips
So that I may forever leave my mark.

Opaque – Weakness?

You shouldn’t call them a “heartless” or “stoned faced”

You shouldn’t assume the worst because of how someone chooses to present themselves

While we share the same organs such as the brain, the lungs and the heart
Does not mean we have shared the same experiences

Some choose to cradle their hearts in their arms
While others choose to wear their brain like a crown
Then there are those we can do both

In our natural collective state we are all humans
Separated, though still human, we are shaped and conditioned differently

We can never truly or fully know or understand the lives that we all have lived
Everyone of us can not be transparent, translucent or opaque

That being said, we can however use our shared tools to learn and help
These tools give us the abilities to be able to listen, understand and offer guidance
Tools such as Empathy and Sympathy

These tools are not keys however
But gentle and smooth stones that we can lightly skip against the muddy and cloudy surface of our friends, family, strangers and all those we come across

It will not always be clear however
We all will act and react differently
Do not become angry and frustrated if your stone takes one skip and then sinks
Do not blame the body of water either

The difference in us all helps give shape and character
Though some are more extreme and violent as a mighty storm
Others can be as simple and silent as a zen pond

Some storms will last forever
Others will settle and let the sun rise and clouds separate
But it isn’t your job to tame or seek adventure in these waters

It is however important to never assume that the water will always be clear and clean
Most times we will find it to be Opaque and that is normal
For it is just it’s natural state
via Daily Prompt: Opaque

“Any Plans For After College?”

I’m more than positive we all have heard the saying

“What do you plan to do after college?”

And I’m not sure if this directly applies to you all specifically, but for me, it always ends up being followed up with

“Oh I see, but thats such a difficult field to find work in; you’ll be struggling your whole life.”

(A mild exaggeration, but you get my point)

As someone who wishes to go into the creative field, you’d think I would know how the job market is, right? Especially after studying for 3 years (almost 4) to better myself for this field; yes I am aware. I am aware that this field is very open ended and not as demanding. I am aware and prepared to not immediately have a job waiting for me after college (unless some magic miracle happens), but I have been told countless times that it is ok. And it really is!

Several illustrators graduated from college without work waiting immediately for them.  Calef Brown for example took a year off to just step back and re-evaluate his style.

In fact many artists take breaks to figure things out and its really ok. I really just wish people would stop telling me things that I already know. Granted they all care about me and want me to do well, but telling me

“Oh you are going to be so poor!”

But as of now that isn’t going to stop me from doing what I enjoy; yes its a struggle to create creative and good content, but life is a struggle, tell me something I don’t know.

That being said I am already thinking about part time jobs/careers that I could do that will allow me to earn some sort of income. This may sound silly, but if I can, I would like to work as a Librarian.

*S C R E E C H*

A librarian!? I know, I know, that is basically saying I want to be a teacher and we all know how the educational system treats them and how “well” they are paid. It’s crazy I know, but for me, it just seems like something I could do. Specifically if I can become an Elementary School Librarian.

While yes older kids frighten me because I feel like I have to impress them and make them think I am “cool” (damn I am old), but its a judgement complex I have thats a whole other thing. If I could get a job as an Elementary School Librarian, I think it be pretty fun and a great way to share and pass on creativity through stories.

“Well why don’t you be an Art Teacher?”

Because art isn’t exactly an easy subject to teach; I have realized that through past experiences and seeing how my current professors are doing. Though it is still very rewarding, I don’t think I have the organization capacity to be a teacher teacher.

As a librarian I could encourage the joy of reading and pass along the magical worlds that exist beyond the pages (cheesy; I am aware). I remember going to the library about once a week, give or take, back in my Elementary School and how much I really enjoyed it. The atmosphere was so calming and we would always start with our librarian reading us stories before we would be set free for about 20-25mins to browse and choose up to 3 books we wanted to check out. Everything was so well organized by genre, difficulty level (indicated by colored stickers on the spines) and had such a vast amount of options. I remember actually finding several hidden gems that I went back and looked for to re-read many a times, even today I am collecting ones I loved to read.

The more I talk about it, the more it seems very plausible and enjoyable. Just think, a freelance illustrator who wants to create children’s books, I could create different stories to read to classes; illustrating and creating my own self publish books just for them. Not only that, but I could recommend so many classics and pass along ones that I was always a huge fan of. So if you really think about it, I am kind of indirectly doing what I originally wanted to do as an Illustrator; just in a different approach to it.

We can only wait and see what happens I suppose, but overall, I know life is going to be a struggle. Life was never meant to be easy; I have to take it one day at a time.

What did you all want to be when you grew up? Are you doing that now? Please feel free to share 🙂

Missing Out

“Oh Man I’m So Hyped For _____________! What about you!?”

Typically this indicated blank is filled with something very nostalgic or something from my generation’s childhood. Example, Pokemon.

I haven’t touched it since Gen. 4 (Diamond and Pearl) because I just got bored. Repetitive story plot with nothing really new to introduce besides new characters and Pokemon. (Don’t get me wrong, some of the designs are still pretty cool; Snorlax for life) I just can’t find much enjoyment for them. The same kind of goes for others like Kingdom Hearts, Smash Bros, Final Fantasy, Legend of Zelda, etc. I’m not biased toward video games, I’m really not (still working through Bioshock, Dragon Age, Skyrim, Fire Emblem and Persona), but they really are just things I do when I’m in the mood…?

The drive to play them as constantly as I did as a kid is kind of gone; gave away all my old systems and games, except for a few (see above). I just find myself with little interest anymore for a lot of things. Model Building, Sports, TV Shows/ Movies, Book series, and the list continues. The childhood energy is just gone and I find little enjoyment in practically everything around me.

“Oh my god, dude! This is so much fun; are you into this!?”

“Meh, its alright.”

Granted everyone I know really respects my personal opinions about certain things, I just feel really bad and left out when we all get together and its just all talk/events about topics and things that I don’t find fun. I end up the bystander again that soon just becomes this antisocial wallflower. And, lets be real, when you are with company isn’t that kind of rude? OR is that just me?

Try introducing things that you enjoy. It eventually doesn’t get far because either I just suck as explaining/sharing/keeping the topic interesting or they just typically aren’t interested. Which is perfectly ok as everyone is different and deserves their own feelings, thoughts and ideas to certain matters.

…I will refrain from adding politics to this entry…

. . .

Anyhow its like I can only get ‘hyped’ in a group or with a close friend about a certain topic, but once I’m alone I feel practically nothing for it. Its like I’m afraid to get into something new??

I’m not even sure its that because I like to think I’m pretty open minded and willing to try new things, but I’m not willing to put a whole lot of money, time and/or energy if I can only enjoy it with other people. This loop of going back and asking yourself, in the mirror,

“What do I enjoy? What Makes YOU Happy??”

is becoming an extremely tiresome chore.

That is a down right frightening thought to me, I feel extremely empty and alone when I go out and try to enjoy life. Not to mention frustrating with my short attention span; I hate doing the same thing for a long period of time and then want to go do something else BUT NEVER KNOWING WHAT ELSE I WANT TO DO.

Cycling between boredom and mental exhaustion forever is taking its toll on me. Practically feels like a mid life crisis, yet I’m not even 21!

LIKE. H O W???

And when I find myself enjoying something I start questioning it, making it an even bigger question of ‘why?’.

Getting involved with what people recommend just also puts me in a mindset of not wanting to follow the herd and be my own person. Which then looks like I’m trying to be #Original and seek…pity?? Because I’m always just the quiet one in group gatherings BECAUSE I’m choosing to be left out (depending on the situation and topic)

Or makes me just weary of getting OBSESSED with something new. I mean, but isn’t that a big factor though; to explore and learn more about yourself? Yet the thought of being obsessed with something and then quickly being exhausted and tired of it is not only upsetting, but frustrating? If you like something, you like it. Enjoy it, share it, show your passion about it. This something is bringing you happiness and THATS what is important, right?

Your own personal happiness is possibly one of the most important things in this world. I love hearing about other’s passions and learning, even if it doesn’t necessarily interest me. . . and yet… I’m here thinking I’m some faulty machine that wasn’t finished, built incorrectly or has some major programing issue because I can’t find joy in things that are making everyone else happy.

Am I not as open minded as I thought?
Am I just trying so hard by forcing myself to get into these things just to fit in?

Whatever the case may be, I really would like to figure this out as I believe it is hindering not only my happiness, but my creativity and last time I checked, is kind of important when you go to an art school.

Its like not showing up to your class with a pencil (personal opinion) because well its art school. True story, students will show up without pencils and it just leaves me in a daze of “Are You For Real?”